September 10, 2005

Attractin' 'em

So I'm standing under the Eason's clock on O'Connell Street, soaking up the evening sunshine after work, waiting for a date with my brother. In the distance I notice a foppish sort of fellow heading my way. About 5' 8", late fifties, scrawny, slightly staggering on his tiptoes, dressed in a buttoned-up too-small suit and with a number of colourful, filthy scarves round his chicken neck. In the most Prince Charles voice I've ever had the pleasure of hearing, he said,

"I'm terribly, terribly thorry, but...I don't thuppothe you hev any thpeh change?"

I felt about in my pockets and found none, and imagining I only had a tenner in my wallet, I said, "No, I'm sorry, I haven't." Then realising that I'd gotten change to park the car earlier out of my tenner, as he began to move off I said, "Oh actually - I do!"

He stopped, and as I fished for a two euro coin, he smiled, leaned in and through brandy breath said, "I...don't get paid until...Thurthday, you thee..." With a little flourish of his hand he demonstrated how his wages had flown away. I smiled, to myself, and said sympathetically, "I know. It's hard to make your money last for the whole week."

He didn't seem to have heard me. I handed him the coin. He smiled again, turning the coin in his hand, then paused, and looking at me as intently as a camp, drunk man can, said, "I like females..." He looked away into the distance again and I stifled a chuckle. "That's nice," I said.

"You thee," he continued, turning his gaze to me again, "I'm...mathculine...and I like...the feminine...you understand?"

I said firmly, "I'm married." And even if I wasn't, I'm not usually attracted to old, drunk, filthy, homosexual beggars. "Quite," he replied slowly, looking at the sun again. He began to saunter away, waving his coin.

"Thank you ever tho much..."

neuro-praxis -- Crazy In Love

Posted by neuro-praxis on September 10, 2005 10:06 AM, in the category Mouldy Curtains