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Well I awoke, freezing but happy, and reached for my nose lotion for a good old scab-rubbing and lymph-clearing, the morning activity that lends my day, by itself, a great sense of personal satisfaction. But - treachery was afoot!
My delightfully jewelled nose had lost its ring and had begun to seal up. NOOOO! I scrabbled around the sheets until I spotted it and tried to get it back in. No joy! It was with disproportionate disappointment that I threw on my office clothes and drove out into the morning fog, my nose now as plain as the nose on my face.
After work I returned to my piercer, Elaine (my piercer, aren't I so hip? aren't I so terribly haute couture? No? Ok.), who kindly butchered it back in. She had to check first if it could squeeze in, which I painfully learned it most certainly could not. It would seem that the ring itself was not sharp enough to pierce the flesh. So she took her giant needle and repierced the cartilage, and I can honestly say that it was the most painful 12 - 15 seconds of my entire life. When I opened my eyes, a sea of involuntary tears poured down my face, and with them numerous boats of hungry immigrants. Elaine refused to charge me, saying that she could not take money from someone to whom she had just caused so much pain. What a woman.
However, now the jewel is back in its home, as am I, STILL freezing my nips off, having only just managed to get home through the frighteningly thick fog. K drove, and Stig and I shivered and trusted in his superior navigating-as-though-blind ways. Truly: the fog was so thick that we drove at 20 miles per hour and could see no further than 1-2 feet in front of the car. It was the scene of a horror movie. We prepared ourselves for all inevitable catastrophies: knocking down a pedestrian, being seen by a witness, and then getting hacked to death by the witness a few months later...getting eaten by werewolves...ending up in a carcrash that gets used in an ad for safe driving. "It was the one without the seatbelt that did it," the sensitive and psychic policeman said sadly.
So the moral of the story is: wear a plaster on your nose at night or face being eaten by monsters...or at least enjoy a similarly gruesome fate.
neuro-praxis -- Got Bored Near The End And Gave Up
Posted by neuro-praxis on November 22, 2005 11:02 PM, in the category Exotic Air Fresheners
I know EXACTLY what you went through with your nose related agony. I once considered getting my nose pierced, but opted for the safer option of just having it removed all together. It is now septic and I'm having difficulty breathing.
Posted by: OG at November 23, 2005 01:32 PMAh OG, you could:
1) Clean up your nose with the right dose of antiseptic and anti-biotics.
Posted by: David Barrett at November 25, 2005 12:44 PM2) Cauturise the wound.
3) Install a flesh-coloured, one-metre hose in place of your old nose, and start doing children's parties as "The Human Elephant".
4) O, you're probably going to need extensive ear modifications for this to work well, but it's all worth it when you see those screaming faces.
Its been fucking ages since I've read your blog, which will come as no surprise since I notice it hasn't been updated in nearly a month. What will all those poor postgraduate students with too much time on their hands do? I used to know how they felt, but not I am just a hollow shell of the corporate world LIKE YOU!
I demand to be approved. Its all I have left you know.
Posted by: mr_angry at December 13, 2005 11:09 PMnow that mr angry has voiced it, i feel at liberty to jump on his band wagon and shout 'hear hear!' as we pass through the empty streets of neuroland.
Posted by: O.G at December 14, 2005 10:14 AMget a move on neuro, i want to hear more about your nose and all its' puss related glory.
respectfully, O.G
Have you died from nose-related septic crap? This is all very inappropriate if you have. If so, please let me know so I can take you off my blogroll. Ain't got no space for dead people.
Posted by: Lucy at December 16, 2005 11:53 AM