Maybe I shouldn't use that title. Maybe it devalues the nine hideous days that it refers to. I only use it cos I'm cold and want Haribo jellies and it is also Sunday. Bloody Sunday!

Sunday is not half the man that Saturday is. I don't know why. Maybe it is the looming large of Monday that appalls me. DON'T MAKE ME WORK FOR MY MONEY! Just let me develop a small injury, win a modest lawsuit and live out my days in a cocoon of prescription drugs, Chinese takeaways and weekly social welfare cheques. Is that really so much to ask? I'd be quiet about it! I'd let you lick the curry tray! You could come over once a month and do my laundry!

K and I are warming our frozen kneecaps with our laptops, listening to the gentle hum of the washing machine and watching Stig's borrowed Simpsons multi dvd. His prices are so low, you'll think he's suffered brain damage! K has been away all week in in Russia, working with animals and wearing a big hat. Apparently it was good. He brought home a lot of the remaining vodka...not that there was much left of it after feeding it to the elephant. He also brung Russian sausages, toilet roll, soap and chocolate. One word: MING. Not that K is ming. He's more bling, what with being covered in gold Monday to Friday (he's a Grafton Street mime).

I suffered, as usual, with his absence, but was entertained by a number of my favourite crabs, among them our very own Betamaxnomates and the aforementioned Stig. Betamaxnomates (pathological liar) took me to a restaurant where he ate crocodile. They slapped that baby onto the table and we pummelled it with our fists until it stopped squirming and then we dug in. No cutlery necessary with our zeal! It tasted fishy. I was conventional and ate cow. Stig, on the other hand, came to my house and rummaged through all of the cupboards, selecting anything he might have wanted to eat, which included three quarters of a bag of self raising flour and at least two tins of kidney beans. The mess.

My flu has gone, and I became an inventor. I was inspired by someone who tried out for American Idol and created a coaster that wobbles and could potentially spill your drink. Brilliant. Anyway, below are the blueprints for *my* genius idea!

Its main use is respraying upholstry to a colour of your choice but at a compact one meter wide doubles as a quirky table. (Look! It's wearing shoes!) It functions through a mix of solar power and magic. I'm not finished it yet, so don't be hasty in your judgements. You'll be laughing on the other side of your face when I'm sitting on a freshly dried sofa in lime green while you wither on your mother's brown couch.

neuro-praxis -- Not Just For Lepers Anymore