Are you there God? It’s me, neuro.
Everyone I know is acting weird or way too cool
They hang out by the pool
So I just read a lot and ride my bike around the school
Because I’m bailing this town,
or tearing it down,
or probably more like, hanging around.
All that I need now is someone with a brain,
with some know-how, to tell me what I want anyhow.
I’m listening to Aimee Mann (and thinking about Judy Bloom. Woman-centric Tuesday!). She is one of those artists about whom I have the deluded sense that if we knew each other, we’d be good friends. It’s a nice fantasy. When I listen to her sharp insights I feel like we have a connection. I would say it is this falsity that sells more records and makes them the ones that you listen to over and over and over rather than any kind of marketing or hip image associated with any particular music genre. I kind of feel the same way when I listen to August and Everything After by the Counting Crows. Ok, maybe the songs don’t make a lot of sense, but there is something about that entire album that encapsulates a poignant and perfect time in my teenage development, and when I listen it creates almost a kind of yearning in me. For what though? The stalker in me says FOR THEIR PHONE NUMBER. Although, as I sadly learnt through my obsessive episode with Ronan Keating, phone numbers can be easily changed now. (Ronan, if you are reading, I’m really sorry about what I did to your wife. But she was an obstacle?) But what is that sense of yearning? In part it is the juvenile desire to be best mates with the artist – not for their fame or good looks or general all-round apparent awesomeness, but so that we can like, talk, and stuff, and you know, have beers and go deep. I think that ultimately it brings up that old nutcracker of simply wanting to be known really, really well, and projecting that onto the author of a magic song means I can avoid the whole messy fucked-upness that comes with relationships where you go real deep.
Can you tell that neuro is in a reflective mode?
I have not been "myself" whatever the hell that means (and yet it means something, doesn’t it?) for the last nine months or so. It wasn’t really supposed to work out that I would be in my mid-twenties and working three days a week as a civil servant (or was it?). There is something amiss here – but what? I have a better quality of life than a lot of people – I work flexible hours in a very enjoyable job and my leisure time way outweighs my work-time. And although I don’t usually spend my days off watching soap-repeats (thanks to a wide circle of good friends) I still I feel at odds with myself and with the world. I don’t know what I’m talking about. It is probably the middle-class malaise, best solved by spending loads of cash on a collection of guitars I rarely play, or by getting coked up at my monthly swingers party, or of course by the most common option of having a baby. Ahhh, what a rich culture we enjoy. Sadly I don’t enjoy drugs or extra-marital affairs (dry-shite), and squeezing out a few puppies would probably be a bit irresponsible and, well, inconvenient right now, so I guess that leaves me with an unmentioned option for the whole pursuit of fulfilment. Maybe charity? (I would go to Africa to feed the poor only that somebody I am annoyed at is there and I don’t want to bump into her right now.) And what about God? I have been having a good root around to find Him but recently I think I am being left in the desert-place to fend for myself for a wee while. I can’t object (well, I can and I do and I have been for a long time now) seeing as I am Property of Yahweh TM but I am really quite thirsty by now, and haven’t found the sweet honey in the rock as I ought to have (baffled? That’s because you’re a HEATHEN).
What’s my problem? What’s your problem? I’ve got a kick-ass husband (abusive), good job, interesting study ambitions (partially fulfilled), a long list of friends ready to whatever, and yet I feel like an alien. I went on a retreat for two days recently – packed my bags and travelled to a valley in Wicklow where I walked around amongst the lakes and tried to be at one with God and nature and myself and all that crap. I might as well have gone to Mars (did you know that the US government is covering up reports about evidence of fossilised water molecules, i.e., life, on Mars? I saw it on the West Wing). I might as well have stayed home and eaten a packet of Mars bars in homage to Adrian Mole for all the good it did. That’ll teach me to run away from my problems.
I saw the movie Amazing Grace with about twenty others from my church last night, which no doubt Zoomie will be blogging about at (incisive) length shortly (ha, grammar is so amusing) so I won’t ruin your fun and say too much. It’s a bit hammy, and a bit cheesy, a bit of a croque monsieur if you will. It is a period piece of course, as Zoomtard reminded me in a whisper during a cringeworthy moment, to which I replied that yes, it was rather like having a period. But it does have some powerful scenes and the power of repentance and transformation resonated with me - as a filthy sinner what’s gawn and bin saved. Where’s your soul at, brutha? (Sing it!) Ok, enough preaching. Fear not readers; I am addressing myself.
neuro-praxis – All that I need now…
Love the new look. Would like to solve all Neuro's problems. Unfortunately am mere human. *shrugs*, suggest smoking???
Posted by: Baffled Heathen at March 27, 2007 02:09 PMDon't worry, I'm moving to Your Town. When I get there, the point of your existence will become clear. You were born to entertain me!
Tg
Posted by: teragram at March 27, 2007 04:06 PMSounds like you are in a great place spiritually right now. I can predict this ->
Next comes some sort of crisis, unless you somehow manage to work up enough of a sense of real need of God, beyond simply missing His presence (I never can, unless through extreme amounts of praying and maybe even some fasting, and I don't even think the effects of that method last very long compared to a crisis) ->
And then comes the warm fuzzy bit were you recognise more than ever before how you look before God and how your circumstances don't matter because the only ones that count are what God defines as good, so you might as well just focus on God, and it all makes sense, and you hold on to this as long as you can before too many aspects of life start to seem too important ->
And hopefully this doesn't happen, but you for some reason lose that joy in God because you forget that prison, were everything is attractively neat and tidy, is a horrible horrible place, and you start subtly thinking God isn't as important as what is going on in your life, and since life doesn't bring you joy, you wonder why you don't feel as good about life, or about God anymore. ->
A crisis happens, you learn all over (instead of just in your head) that you can't depend on your circumstances or your mental stability or etc, and you depend on the only dependable, God. ->
etc.
Happens all the time, don't worry about it. But each time it happens I think that we learn a bit more.
Posted by: jimlad at March 27, 2007 05:49 PMPS. Thanks so much for this blog. I am beginning to go back into the state that hopefully you will soon come out of, but you showing it to me helps, and me talking about it helps, and I'm going to go home and pray and hopefully stave it off for another while. Teaching was pretty nasty and it is only a month since I was there.
I don't want to have to go through something similar again too soon. It is possible to go through a crisis without changing, but not when you are surrounded by amazing Christians who can encourage you. You yourself are an amazing Christian, helping me and maybe others by this blog. No matter how far you feel you are away from God, I can tell you He is definitely very close right now, not just from His promises, but because He has just used you to help me. He doesn't base your status on anything you or I base it on, except on Jesus (think dove coming down from heaven to alight on you, and a voice).
Posted by: jimlad at March 27, 2007 06:02 PMBaffled Heathen, I am sitting now with my first packet of cigs and a lighter before me (it is a novelty lighter that looks like a syringe). What have I got to lose? Plus I can explain the honey in the rock stuff if you like but you are so smart as to have guessed the jist of all of it anyway I'm sure.
Teragram, I will gladly dance a jig your way any time.
jimlad, I am really moved by your serious response to my flippant address of serious problems and am encouraged too that it looks to you like I am in a good spiritual place.
I know it is healthy to struggle in faith, to keep vitality in oneself, but sometimes I grow tired of the struggle when I see so little growth in myself? I mean, what the fuck is my problem really? Sin - and other shit? I am quite honestly astounded that this pile of rubbish blog I publish less and less frequently could be a source of help to anybody! You're one of those people who builds others up instead of ripping them down. So thanks jimlad. It's good to share the same family. :)
Posted by: neuro-praxis at March 27, 2007 11:13 PMI think C.S. Lewis says something about closeness to God, that when we are caught up in His Presence, our need of Him doesn't seem so important, and that when we are caught up in our sin, our perceived need for him is greater, so (I'm not sure what he says about this) in which instance are we actually closer to God?
When I met you first, one might consider that I was at my weakest point in my walk with God. It is only recently that I have been able to say that yes, my faith is actually much greater now than it was when I was a child. When I first met you it seemed that my security in God was much lower, because I was emphasising how I fit in with mankind, showing that I feared man more than God.
This is where you a small handful of others helped me, because you are God fearing men and women. But think, when I was growing up any miracles that happened related directly to my own growth rather than impacting others directly. So the fact is, my faith had not been tested in how I interacted with the world. When my faith was tested this way, I gradually fell backwards for maybe four years. After I met you, I began to gradually defeat this sin.
But think again, did my new self diminish at any point in this struggle? No, the worse my sin got, the harder the new self fought, and the bigger my old self appeared to be, until when the old self was most apparent, my new self made the decision to make an effort at identifying myself with other Christians.
Recently I repented of looking for self-worth in any area of my life, including my job. In order to fully appreciate our acceptance by God we need to throw away the burden of looking for life in other things. It is a great burden, and the sense of joy that comes from throwing it off is proportionally great. Teaching, or helping kids with H.I.V. does not bestow any more worth on a person than fixing bugs in software. God bestows the worth. Did I suddenly increase in faith when this struggle came to a head? No! It looked like my faith was weakening for years, and yet I was growing all the time!
But when I am close to God, I am distracted by concerns again, sometimes the same concerns as those I have repented of. This is why your honesty helps me, because it awakens an honesty in myself about where I am placing my value again too.
I have a tendency to assume I am worthless, rather than the opposite sin, but how much am I worth if the one who defines me (and someone who has no higher power to look to has no valid place to find their definition, ergo self-worth) in the first place is willing to die for me? And how much I want to follow a God like that. And the more I struggle with not following him and seeing how unhappy I get in not following him, the more I want to help others to get to know him. Maybe it is your honesty about this struggle that makes you so good at sharing your salvation, Neuro? Apart from your braininess of course.
One other thing that comes to my mind at the moment, since I have a better job and everything, and since you have a better situation all of a sudden, is to find out what it means to take pride in one's low position when one is doing better in life. We are used to trying to take pride in our high position, so maybe we've forgotten to change our attitude in the transition of circumstances?
I hope it was all right to write for so long on your blog. If it helps you it should be worth it. I could have expanded this out on my own blog but you are too intelligent for there to be any point in explaining what I am saying.
Posted by: jimlad at March 28, 2007 01:18 PMOh flip, that was a lot longer than I thought it was. Feel free to delete it, but save it and email it to me and I will fill it out and put it on my blog.
Posted by: jimlad at March 28, 2007 01:20 PMI don't mind if youleave it here, but I also wouldn't mind if you expanded on it in your blog. Go on ahead and do that like a good Jimlad.
Posted by: neuro-praxis at March 29, 2007 12:28 PM