May 15, 2007

In Honour of Betamaxnomates

Betamaxnomates is LEAVING ME. Well, not just me: everyone. He is going to Japan: the land of such terrible movies as Lost in Translation (BILE) and Gin Gwai (The Eye) (actually quite good, that wan). Betamaxnomates, because I love you, I have compiled facts for you because as mother never says, fore-warned is fore-armed. And your forearms are quite long.

All of the below is not not not not untrue.

Did you know...?

Most rural Japanese villages have no proper ground to walk on – the marshy substance on which they must tread resembles the floor of a cheap funfair Spook-House. To help them traverse, Japanese farmers wear multiple lacrosse racquets sellotaped to their bare feet. This tradition has not been completely lost, and in large cities it is not uncommon to see people with similar attire navigating their way through the crowds – particularly amongst people who work in the coffee-pot development industry, which was born out of farming. Although the ground in major cities has been solidified, these people (usually children of farmers) continue to wear the lacrosse racquets to honour their mother and father. To not do this would be punishable by death.

The Japanese have very poor eyesight. This is useful for when you want to trick them: for example offering what appears to be money to homeless Japanese people from a slight distance, which upon examination turns out to be Koka noodle wrappers. You can tell that their eyesight is bad because of how their face is set in a permanent squint. (Unknown statistic: almost 85% of all Japanese people are homeless.)

No Japanese person can read text unless it is written in the speech bubble of a Manga cartoon character. This is why there are no libraries in Japan – only comic book stores. Also there are no universities in Japan. The Japanese think that learning "attracts evil spirits". If you want a deaf person to understand you in Japan, you have to draw cartoons of both of you with your verbal statements coming from speech bubbles of the cartoon of yourself. If you are bad at art consequently no deaf Japanese person will engage you in conversation. The deaf population in Japan (approximately 25% of all people) are among the finest artists in the world, with paintings done using only soy sauce in all major national museums dating back almost ten thousand years.

The Japanese will not place any two round objects close together – two oranges for example – because of the similarity in shape to a pair of breasts. Breasts are considered offensive in Japanese culture and as such none of the women have any. They use their mind power to stop them growing during puberty. Similarly the carrot is considered offensive, but men do not eliminate their penises with mind-power as they are unable to.

You will need to bring a plentiful supply of underwear to Japan as it is impossible to buy new underwear in any of the shops – only soiled underwear is for sale. And don't try to get around this – if you employ a seamstress to make you some new pants, she will insist on using soiled fabric, or may give you a pair of her own (being caught wearing completely new pants in Japan results in imprisonment and a fine up to 81661550 Yen which is approximately half a million Euros; also the seamstress's implication in the crime would mean she gets her face surgically removed – symbolic of having stuck her nose into a foul situation).

All Japanese people have two stomachs – one for processing soba noodles, one for tofu. Some of the poorest Japanese people only have one stomach, rice farmers for example, but Amnesty International is fighting for their rights in this regard. Any food that is not noodles or tofu is digested not in the stomachs but in the throat region where the nutrients are immediately absorbed into the bloodstream.

Dental surgery is strictly outlawed in Japan because appointments with the dentist cut into the working day. A dental appointment will only be allowed if it is on Christmas day (although the vast majority of Japanese people are secular, with some Buddhism, Christmas day is their only national holiday) and if you have worked an average of 140 hours per week in the preceding year. This one-minute appointment is likely to cost within the region of 1660000 Yen (around 10,000 Euros). As a result of this strict rule, only 1% of the population receive any form of dental care so most Japanese people have very blackened and rotten mouths (toothpaste, dental floss and mouthwash are also outlawed for the same time-wasting reasons).

There will be more: oh yes. There will be more.

neuro-praxis -- racist today, gone tomorrow

Posted by neuro-praxis on May 15, 2007 05:47 PM, in the category Rhythm Worries