December 29, 2005

The Only Way is Up, Baby!

UNTRUE!

I haven't been updating much. If you check in every now and again this will be a failure obvious to you. When I do update, however, the entries are of a quality too low to mention. Hysteria mixed with desperation mixed with lies are only good from time to time. Usually it works on Thursdays.

Anyway, my absence has been because I have been wandering. In the wilderness. Of my brain. Making "decisions" about my "life". I have come to some conclusions. I feel more relaxed than I have felt in the last six gruelling months. It is time for my annual evaluation. If you despise clichés, now is the time to guide your cursor up to that little x on the top right hand corner of the screen. It should be familiar to you in those emergency moments when your mother walks in and you rapidly click out of your porno haunts.

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
Slept in a luxury caravan. French-kissed a dreamy boy. Wore a wool product. Became the manager of a thriving (AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA) business. Gnawed wood. Learned joined-up writing.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I have never made a new year's resolution in my life. This year I have started accumulating the prototype neurolist of resolutions. Check back in in 365.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, AGAIN. H had another baby (fertile!) and the rats in our attic multiplied in a thoroughly fruitful fashion.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
I can't watch them every second.

5. What countries did you visit?
Only France. Quite a let down on 2004. And a cake.

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
A big, big fat redundancy cheque, a life-enhancing accredited qualification that steers me into Happy Place^TM, cancer and a roly-poly-schmoly. AND NO YOU CAN'T BORROW IT!!

7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
August 14th. We didn't mention it to anyone but K and I found a baby and raised it as an evil genius who took over the frozen foods department of the new 24 hour Dunnes in Maynooth. Proud moments.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I bruised the ribs on my right side while playing football but none of the internal bleeding got out of the skin at any point. Score! I also reduced the night time light switching ritual from four on-offs to a mere three.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I failed to get a first in my degree. ARGH. TWO FUCKING PER CENT MORE. THAT'S ALL I WOULD HAVE NEEDED. ARGH. I also killed everything that is beautiful. Oops.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Why does he hit me? It's probably my fault, isn't it?

11. What was the best thing you bought?
An envelope full of Anthrax. Just you wait.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My church family's. The bag of thai sweet chilli crisps. It let me eat it.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Yours. PIG.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent. BAH!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I won a breadbin in a parish raffle!!!!

16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
I Want You - Rachel Yamagata
Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder?
I couldn't be happier if I was rubbing lime on my torso.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Drunken driving. Anonymous breathy phone calls to neighbours.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Narcissistically obsessing.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Too late, scumbag.

21. How will you be spending New Years?
Same as last year: at a CHURCH PARTY where we will drink orange pop and play WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE and not touch in case we give each other AIDS.

22. Did you fall in love in 2005?
Hey baby, I've been loved up for seven years now.

23. How many one-night stands?
I gave up one night stands and switched to flashing my la la at strangers. Less personal investment.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
If you could wash yourself with it, I watched it. Momma's got to watch her stories.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Less hating, more pizza.

26. What was the best book you read?
Make & Furnish Your Own Miniature Rooms by Marian O'Brien. That book changed my life.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Bright Eyes and Sufjan Stevens.

28. What did you want and got?
Matching underwear. Free pickles. Warts in special places.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Maybe Joyeux Noel, a quality foreign romp. Maybe Cheaper by the Dozen 2, a quality Steve Martin romp. We will never know.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 22 a good eleven months ago. I can't remember what I did. Something to do with pipes and hospitals and Ukrainian vodka.

32. What one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A FIRST CLASS HONOURS DEGREE. WHY DO YOU KEEP BRINGING THIS UP?! BASTARD!!

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
It was a binbag slash nouveau riche slash scrubs kind of a thang. I like to keep it fresh.

34. What kept you sane?
As usual, the good Lord. And all them tubs of butter just waiting to be devoured!

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Maybe Zach Braff, although he looks horribly feminine at times. I emailed him to let him know about this problem.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Can't remember. Politics are for saddies. (Can't remember.)

37. Who did you miss?
Gravy.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Gravy.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005.
You only get out what you put in. No wait, wait, life is not a rehearsal. No no no, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. No - THE PROOF IS IN THE PUDDING.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I don't think this one is going to change for a long time.

No guilt in life,
No fear in death;
This is the power of Christ in me.

December 24, 2005

Has Been

It is Christmas eve and my house is a total disaster area and my husband has a trapped nerve in his right shoulder. Also, my mother hates me! This is not how Christmas is on the tv! Where is my dog and the open fire and stuff? And why did the stupid company not deliver the present I ordered months ago for my sister in law?

Also, when are those angels going to shut their filthy little mouths and quit that singing outside my window? PISS OFF ANGEL SHITS.

On the upside, William Shatner is here and I have eaten one third of a box of After Eights. It was an accident.

neuro-praxis -- Not A Polaroid

December 16, 2005

Of A Delicate Disposition

A thought just occurred to me. I will not assume that it is an original thought, but as this is my blog, it seems the appropriate place to type this single thought. At least this is what other bloggers have teached me.

Thought is this:

Do children read blogs? I don't know, I don't have any children. I can only assume that they don't.

neuro-praxis -- Catching Rays Of Sunlight Up Her Backside

PS SANTA DOESN'T EXIST OR MAYBE HE'S DEAD

I Forgot My Shirt At The Water's Edge

How can I work? How can I work? It is Friday afternoon and I would rather eat my left eyeball than work. Lie! I would not rather do that. I would rather work. But I don’t feel like it. How can I work? I am listening to great music and the best kind of weather is outside (cold and sunny) and there are two days ahead of me that are making discreet promises to be fun, including lie-ins and meals at restaurants paid for by K’s birthday vouchers. Now that’s the kind of gift I like for him to get! Stuff where he needs a hot date! And I am ever so willing to step up.

Stig has gotten the sack. Not a surprise, he’s useless. Still, a half ounce of virtual sympathy is eking in his direction. He can’t help it he was born with those defects. Sorry you lost your job Stig. Now there is ever more time for you to write things on the internet that I can read. And more time than ever for you to watch the movements of that girl you met a few months ago in the video shop.

K has been nagging, a lot, for me to update. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW. I sometimes find a question more amusing when the question mark is omitted. The question mark was always omitted in the past, you know. It was only recently invented by some fellow from an Austin Powers movie. Before that, you had to guess about whether a sentence was a question or not. You could tell it was a question, I found, by seeing did it ask something. You gave it question status by increasing the pitch of your sentence to the squeal of a pre-pubescent girl towards the end. And that’s how things were done in the old days. How I long for those times. Now almost every written encounter is hampered by the chains of grammar. downwithallthatuselessshitforonceletsbefreetrulyfreeexclamationmark

I had lunch with a beautiful friend and it was mostly celery. I love you. I don't love your celery. And it is now repeating on me, like the Simpsons, only not good. Bad.

I bought most of my Christmas presents but I haven’t wrapped them yet. That’s a little ceremony I like to perform drunk. I find it gives my gifts the charming wrapped-by-a-child appearance. This is also when I write the cards.

That’s a nice one.

More later. I PROMISE.

neuro-praxis -- Deserves A Quiet Night