June 26, 2007

49 Dumbass Questions That I Enjoyed

Two posts in one day. The second gets a D grade from me though as really, who cares? (Me!)

1. Your name spelled backwards: sixarp oruen
2. Where were your parents born? 10 Downing Street. Both of them. Loooong story.
3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? Smut. No, not smut. Um. My laptop is dead and my firewall in work is resistant to downloads. In the way that the pants I am wearing are resistant to flame. Flame retardant pants. For slow-mindeds who might burn themselves.
4. What's your favorite restaurant? Curry
5. Last time you swam in a pool? It was...in Offaly. In some hotel that left a free biscuit in my bedroom.
6. Have you ever been in a school play? Have I? You bet your bottom euro I have. I wowed children and grown-ups alike in my roles as the lion in the Wizard of Oz and the narrator in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat. I was so tall for my age in the latter that all the parents thought the school had hired me. Post show, my friends' parents asked me, "So, do you do this for a living?" Cue me shrugging and running off to play Mosh.
7. How many kids do you want? Depends what for? And what colour?
8. Type of music you dislike most? Cat
9. Are you registered to vote? Once a week
10. Do you have cable? Around 2 metres
11. Have you ever ridden on a moped? Only on a motorbike. I was 14. He was 40 and not a relative. This is true.
12. Ever prank call anybody? Hello, is that the Adams family? Yes? Can I speak to Morticia please? Hello, operator. I'd like a Big Mac and large fries please. And can I have that to go, I'm in a hurry. Hello Samaritans? I'm thinking of killing myself lol
13. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? What day is this happening?
14. Furthest place you ever travelled? This is such a stupid question. Furthest from where?
15. Do you have a garden? Yes it is on my windowsill, it is rosemary in a pot.
16. What's your favorite comic strip? Don't like manga porn.
17. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem? Doesn't it go, let's shoot some British soldiers, la la?
18. Bath or Shower, morning or night? Shower in morning - this is not a preference.
19. Best movie you've seen in the past month? Driving Lessons, yeah!
20. Favorite pizza topping? Paperclip
21. Crisps or popcorn?Ahhhh, this is tough. I am the Savoury Queen. Popcorn *if* and only if it is homemade and smothered in melty butter. Otherwise, crisps every time, particularly chilli flavoured ones. Oh. Oh.
22. What color lipstick do you usually wear? Sexist! I use some sort of clear stuff - Juicy Lips or something. Despite its cheap tart name it's quite dear.
23. Have you ever smoked peanut shells? What?
24. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? I don't think you've seen me.
25. Orange Juice or apple? God, would you be consistent with your capital letters?
26. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine? I don't know, I wasn't paying attention. No wait! I went out to dinner with 14 relatives and we ate in a restaurant in Westport and I ate a burger that was bigger than my head.
27. Favorite type chocolate bar? Curry
28. When was the last time you voted at the polls? Shut up.
29. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato? Probably at the same time that I was sewing together a patchwork quilt and making my own bread.
30. Have you ever won a trophy? Yes, for being the best at everything.
31. Are you a good cook? If by good you mean bad, then yes.
32. Do you know how to pump your own gas? No, but I can put petrol in a car. In theory.
33. Ever order an article from an infomercial? I actually did once. I wish I hadn't.
34. Sprite or 7-up? Whatever you're serving: I'm not rude. "Oh, sorry, no thanks kind host, I only drink the other leading brand which tastes the same and is actually made by the same company."
35. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work? Sweet Mary, yes I have. The days of waistcoats and aertex shirts with retaurant logos are far behind me, praise Allah.
36. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy? Cough sweets for my boss. She embarassingly insisted on giving me money for doing this.
37. Ever throw up in public? Ah yes. the fabled days of the whooping cough, when neuro puked on all things and people indiscriminately for many weeks, including her own clothes, which can be seen in many family photos. All the cousins and neuro: in her knickers with a bit of sick on the side of her mouth.
38. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love? I believe that the former bringeth the latter. Or is it the reverse? Either way I'l take the cash - not risking a booby prize, thanks.
39. Do you believe in love at first sight? Oh piss off.
40. Ever call a 1-900 number? What's this now?
41. Can exes be friends? They can be ex-friends?
42. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital? Mona! (bun in oven)
43. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby? Not after they shaved me.
44. What message is on your answering machine? "Hello, you have reached the morgue. If you have died and would like to be refrigerated, please press 1. If you would like to leave a message for neuro, please press your own bellybutton which will make a beep sound. Then say stuff."
45. What's your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character? This no mean much me.
46. What was the name of your first pet? Scotch (cat) and Ted (dog) were both around at the same time. I don't know who came first. I know who died first though. Granny.
47. What is in your purse? Do you mean handbag? Again, sexist. Answer: the usual. Plus a lot of litter.
48. Favorite thing to do before bedtime? Ooh, naughty!
49. What is one thing you are grateful for today? My ham sandwich.

Trouble In The Ranks

I am currently munching on a nectarine: one of nature's sly fruits. It seduces you with its sweet, juicy flesh and then BAM! it hits you with a hairy wooden rock the size of a baby's fist right in the smacker. The peach and the plum are similarly tricksy fruits, with seeded grapes coming a close third (although admittedly pleasure has been known to be found in the outdoor-spitting of grape seeds). The mango is a particularly wily one, it must be said; not only is it 98% stone, the skin is inedible too, being reminiscent of greenish shoe leather. Still, it’s a nice piece of fruit, this nectarine, solidly kicking the ass of the sad brownish banana currently getting warm in my lunch-bag which will only be eaten in the case of the 3 o'clock slump^TM (copyright Knorr 2003).

Those of you who frequent this blog frequently (ha!) may have noticed a new link to the right - The Vegan Lunch-Box - which I inadvertently discovered during a sweep of the internet for some kind of hippyish bullshit recipe (no doubt filled with chickpeas). Anyway, if you like food blogs (which I didn't know I did), you will love this. I read every single entry posted since its conception over two hundred years ago and have been inspired (truly) by the creative way the author feeds her son vegan food, which of course I had previously assumed was just cans of chickpeas eaten with a spoon. I became so inspired in fact that I broke my lifetime habit of buying lunches from the local delis near where I work and started bringing my own. Helloooo lentil burgers for lunch! It's been great, but there's been something amiss: a lack of an exciting lunch-box in which to place my lentil burgers. And so I have purchased myself the last four items I will ever need. My consumerism is officially over. Thanks to ebay, I've now got a dinky bento box, miniature saucepots for bringing my salad dressings to work, a MATCHING BAG for the lunch box (no more wasting paper and plastic bags for me, noooo sir) and a little thermos flask for soups and meatballs. I am so excited about having my own compartmentalised lunch box that I think I might be mentally ill. Either that, or my life in general has faded to such a murky shade of grey that the purchase of even the smallest of plastic goods manages to punctuate the equilibrium of my workaday existence to an alarming degree. What I am trying to get at is that having a nice new lunch box makes me happy. Possibly happier than I have ever been. Around about midday Monday to Friday now brings a euphoric hit similar to that of taking an E. A similar sensation hits when preparing my lunch the night before. And while I am of course subtly using satire here to demonstrate the temporary sense of fulfillment offered by consumer goods (hell, how did “retail therapy” become a viable phrase for fork's sake?) unfortunately even if you trim the hyperbole all of the above remains true. The moral of the story is that everybody needs a bento box. Maybe as much, if not more, than they need Jesus. I would particularly recommend one if you have no friends: you can whisper your secrets to it on the train on the way into work.

Speaking of friends, I am thinking of writing my philosophy research masters thesis on the topic of friendship. Friends: How Can I Get One? is one possible title. Adjusting Your Personality To Fit In With The Help of The Ancients is another. What Is Friendship and Does It Truly Exist is the third and final option. I don’t know much (or anything) about the subject but am looking forward to giving it a go. Also, I am really hoping that my supervisor will get in on the project with me – maybe we could go out for dinner together a couple of evenings a week to discuss it? Or they could come down to my country house on the weekends and we could read silently side by side in the garden, just comfortable to be around each other.

neuro-praxis -- Push It Uh Huh Uh Huh