You fart all the time before going to sleep Neuro. In fact, they are often so loud that you wake your housemates up. I didn't want to bring it up with you face to face in case it was humiliating for you but I thought now was a perfect time...

Darling,

YOU ARE ASLEEP WELL BEFORE ME EVERY NIGHT OF THE WEEK FILTH-FILLED LIAR SHUT UP YOUR MOUTH LIES LIES LIES I NEVER ANUS-GASSED IN MY LIFE AND NEVER WILL YOU ON THE OTHER HAND ARE TOXIC I SAY UTTERLY SO! YUS!

For shame, for shame.

Tis true. I fall asleep first (as my only alternative to listening to your constant shouting) but I am often woken by your voluminous expulsions. I have tried ear plugs but they don't work since the neccesary companion nose plugs are quite dangerous at sleep.

You are also a call girl. For fart fetishists.

You people. Facing one another across the kitchen table, one-upping in 'blog comments. YOU MAKE ME SICK.

You're all fired.

C.

Listen, "husband", it's called "tough love".

If you weren't all the way across the table why I'd slap you one in the mouth, you gaseous fiend.

Go plug your behind with old newspapers and save us all some grief.

YOU ARE THE CROSS I BEAR

As you for you, Disapproving Housemate, you sir are on dangerous territory as many a story of C's farting escapades may be revealed at any moment.

I am wielding the power, oh yes.

I had considered extending some kind of affectionate thought towards you tonight but now I will keep my pert, attractive ass firmly in its stance of cold, bitter detachment.

I would say that your temper has driven a wedge between us, bunnywunnie sweetiepie, but that is a lie. The toxic cloud of fart gas surrounding you keeps me away.

As for you, "C", the pains you are experiencing in your chest are a result of a voodoo doll I made. Sorry but I had to find a use for my stock of pins.

Seriously guys, all of you shut up.

It's bad enough I have stare in the window at you typing away like nerds; what makes me really ill is the stench.

I like to call your house "Fart Palace".

Actually, that's not really true. I *really* like to call it "Stinky MacShedFart".

Face it, you've just been criticised by an animal that shits on the ground and then stands in it.

Look, I dont want to be nasty or anything, but there was an atrocious stench of farts at the wedding.

Maybe you Christian types fart more than non-believers like me. I do know this though - when I fart, it smells like the very definition of beautiful.