So sorry to hear you didn't get your funding me matey (techinically today is Talk Like A Pirate Day). I'll send a care package for you guys.

er... Yarrr!

John.

Arrr me harties.

I recommend scamming your way into DKIT. They're less strict on the old 1:1s up here, and yet when you're doing research, its really all your own work anyway, so you don't have to worry about what kind of quality the government is getting for their money. AS LONG AS NOBODY ASKS ANY QUESTIONS!!! Shhhhhh...

Plus, you'd get to experience life in the jewel of the north-east. An experience that comes highly recommended as I ponder moving to the city of big bastards myself. Boo.

Dublin -- City of Big Bastards.

Can't go on hiding behind the coat-tails of academia forever...

"Polishing his shotgun", eh?

You filthy dirtbird.

as it so happens, i'm a person in need of advice. an idiot recently destroyed my car, and i'm now in the market for some new wheels. should i buy a fixer-upper jaguar that might last me the winter, if that, or an american car that would probably last longer but look less sexy and sophisticated? (also no tea service trays in the american car.) i'm genuinely conflicted. please advise.

Dear datius,

First of all, the fact that this is an area of conflict at all demonstrates to me that you are very poor indeed. So your first stop should be to acquire some money. Forget getting a job: I know from experience that jobs are for chumps.

Instead, withdraw any and all savings you may have, especially those intended for the car, and invest them. The most fool proof way of investing is to buy lottery tickets. Therefore if you have seven thousand euros or dollars, you can buy 7000 lottery tickets. With that many tickets, you are sure to win! I wish I was you!

Next, take your winnings to a car dealership, where you can purchase a brand new jaguar. This is sure to make you attractive to beautiful women. The contours of the car will highlight your inner beauty in a way that poor men can only dream of.

As such, your coming to me for advice will not only result in a fine new vehicle, but also in being a millionaire, with a very attractive and (sure to be, honest and kind) wife.

Please send me a fat cheque for having helped you. Do this before you invest in the lottery.

Love

Auntie neuro

the cheque is in the mail -- unfortunately, this cheque is so very fat i fear it may never reach you, weighed down as it were by its own corpulence. but now i face a new dilemma as i watch my beloved old car limping away to the car graveyard: i hold a terrible grudge against the idiot who destroyed it. should i hunt down this person and render justice myself, or employ a professional assassin to take care of my dirty work for me? really, what are the ethical implications of either option? i'm philosophically inert. please remark. (this will be my last inquiry, unless i have others.)